So Y and I watched "Water" a few days back. It is a well made movie, and very disturbing to say the least. I guess what makes it worse is the knowledge that it is true, and it happens in India, so it is very close to the heart. The rendezvousing between John Abraham and Lisa Ray takes away from the seriousness of the movie. However, the 9 year old's predicament is shocking enough to make me believe that practice of any religion that prescribes such treatment should be deemed a criminal offense.
The optimist in me was happy that this was 60 years ago, and this does not happen in India anymore. However, the realist in me reminded me that while it may not happen on that scale, it still happens all the time in India. Throw out some circles in Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore, and it is still a sad existence if you are widow in India. While Y knows that India is weird, she was obviously appalled at the sad state of women (being considered unlucky, shunned by the society in general, etc) simply because their husbands die.
I don't know how we got there, but Y asked what would my parents think of me marrying a widow. I had never thought of this before, but I was quite sure that my parents would not be thrilled with the idea. She then asked what if I were to marry a divorced woman. Equally bad would be my guess. My parents (like the rest of Indian parents) think that divorce is such a taboo. I can't imagine them ever wanting me to marry a divorced woman. Then Y threw out the curve ball - Would my parents prefer that I marry a Indian divorcee/widow or a foreigner?
To be honest, this was a question that had never crossed my mind. Yes, they would never want me to marry an Indian divorcee/widow, but then they would never want me to marry a foreigner either. But if they had to choose the lesser of two devils, what would they pick? I really had no idea - I did not even want to venture a guess.
So, I decided to do the obvious - just ask them. Obviously, I needed to caveat that this was just hypothetical. I did not want my mom losing her sleep thinking that I was romancing a divorcee or a widow. Since I was not expecting one way or the other, I can't really say that their answers surprised me. Without a moment's hesitation, they replied that they would prefer me marrying a foreigner over an Indian divorcee/widow.
I really don't know the reason behind their prejudice (to me this is prejudice against divorcees/widows). I am sure some of it has to do with social norms, and all that good stuff. My parents did however say something that would surprise many people. They added that between an Indian divorcee and an Indian widow, they would prefer that I marry the widow.
This, to me atleast, has some logic. Most people would not pick the widow, as they would say consider that a widow brings back luck (I don't say this, the retards in India do). However, since my parents are not superstitious at all, that makes no difference to them. But I can clearly see their aversion to a divorced woman. Lets assume a normal divorce here - atleast normal by American standards. Guy and girl get married, differences spring up in the marriage, they can't reconcile and decide to split up after a year or two. In such a case, my parents would say that the woman is logically partially responsible for the divorce. And their biggest concern (justified or not) would be that having gone down that road once, she may prefer another divorce rather than try and work on the marriage.
Either way, it was an interesting question that Y had thrown out. Even though I got my parents' answer, I am not sure there is a side that I can say that most Indian parents will take. I asked a friend of mine, and she said that her parents would take the Indian divorcee/widower over the foreigner anyday.
Thoughts?
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8 comments:
I'm glad that ur parents picked the widow over the divorcee. I would pick the widow too and had ur parents picked the divorcee over the widow (cos of superstitious bullshit) I would have been seriously upset. However, I am still upset over their picking the foreigner over the Indian divorcee/widow. Good questions Y. U should become a journalist. Such probing and honest questions are the best way to get at the truth at times.
Your friend is a girl, and it is normal for girl's parents to want her to get married with a local person rather than with a guy from abroad who may take her away from them any day.
As for divorced vs. widow, the coin has two sides, and the another point of view is that if a divorcee has made her\his mind that s\he is ready to give marriage another try, s\he would put more effort into ensuring that s\he is happy in this second marriage. In this matter, it can be even better than marrying with a first timer.
With a widow\er you never know what kind of family s\he had, whether they were happy or just accustomed to each other.
I definitely do not mean to offend Indian readers, but as a foreigner, I am disturbed to hear that Indian parents protest against foreign spouses. I mean, they want their children to go abroad, get well-paid job assignments, prestigious education etc., but at the same time they disrespect women of those foreign countries enough to despise mixed marriages?
Nat - Deep thoughts. Indian parents are notorious for their opposition to their kids marrying people from a neighboring state. We are talking different continents here :)
Yes, my parents want me to go the most prestigious school on the planet, become the most accmpolished person, run the pre-eminent bank in the world, and YET marry not just an Indian, but a Punjabi (the state that I come from).
Go figure...
The one, there's something that worries me about your post. You know, I understand that parents might think a certain way about issues which we may or may not agree with/understand/approve of, but what worries me is, for a decision as significant as whom you get married to, your post seems to indicate that their decision will be the final one.
CS - Thanks for stopping by. I was unaware that my post gave that feeling.
Is what my parents think important? Yes. Have I always done what they thought was the best thing? Far from it.
I will say one thing - if I continue to live here, social norms and what my parents (and extended family) think is pretty much irrelevant. However, if I return to India, I think social nomrs become a bit more important. You live in a society, and certain things in India will ostracize you in a heartbeat.
That being said, when the time comes, you gotta do what makes you happy!
Whatever we may think before we come into a situation of a difficult choice, many of us find it almost impossible to oppose our parents' wishes and demands. I am seconding The One in his opinion with regard to this matter. I consider myself lucky for the fact I have very understanding and modern parents; but some time ago when I analyzed some troubles that happened with a friend, I caught myself on a thought: what if I, just for example, were a lesbian, would I be capable of telling my parents about that? Not to compare, but if I, for example, have killed someone or stole from someone, would I be capable of telling that to mom and dad? I understood clearly that in certain cases I just wouldn't have guts to share some things with my parents, despite all their understanding. Going against parents' will and their principal points of view towards some things in the world IS a challenge. And I understand that if I were in a society where my parents would take it as a basic norm that they choose a husband for me, who knows...
I am an Indian divorcee. I met this girl in college she was american we thought we were in love, very soon we realized we made a mistake. Instead of hanging on and wasting each others time we decided to stay friends and split. Soon after I met an indian girl and fell for her.... she is very accepting of my past however her extended family (not including parents) are very much against our union. The parents however are looking at it with a much open mind than I would ever credit indian parents with.
The fact that I wasn't honest with them from get go might be the hindrance but they probably understand the stigma that comes with it. They are probably also considering the fact that the girl understands me and they have faith in how they raised her.
At any rate the stigma associated with divorce or having a prior marriage is insane. The fact that everyone assumes that fate plays a huge role in your life is beyond reasonable. Happiness takes the back seat to culture and that is unfortunate.
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