One of my friends demanded the explanation from me yesterday as she tried to hold back her tears. Let me explain. Megan is an American who had been dating this Indian guy, Amit, for about 2 years. She is pursuing a graduate degree in some medical related field in the city, and he, as usual, is a techie. She is 27, and he is 30.
2 weeks ago, Amit announced that he is going to India for a couple of months to sort out a few things. Primarily to assess what are his opportunities like in the booming city of Bangalore. She was fine with it, except that he also mentioned that Megan should not wait for him. Megan was not quite sure of what to make of it. When she pressed him, Amit admitted that his parents have been wanting him to get married for a while, and they have a few girls lined for him to see when he goes home. He also added that he had always thought that he would marry an Indian.
She was shocked. In their two years of going out, Amit had never once mentioned anything of this sort. While there had been no firm commitments on either side, she had always assumed that unless they broke up, he would propose in the next year or so. She was certainly upset over the breakup. However, her main gripe was that was she was cheated. Amit may not have lied to her, but he certainly did not tell her the entire truth either. She had just been a temporary arrangement for him, a white girlfriend that he could tell his friends about while it came "time" for him to get married.
As she demanded that I explain his actions to her, I recalled that this was not the first time I was put in such a situation. I can remember at least two instances. An Asian friend of mine had dated an Indian guy for over 4 years, and he had told her one day that he cannot go against his parents' wishes. And another American friend of mine had dated this Indian guy for a few months and he dumped her over e-mail. His reason - his grandparents were going to be living with him for the next six months.
Being an Indian male, I certainly understand the psyche of Indian men and the pressure of the family that we all live under. Family ties mean more than anything else in India, and to marry a non-Indian is perhaps the fastest route to ostracize yourself from the society. However, in this age, where we continuously harp about the Mittal's, Nooyi's and Tata's exploits, don't you think it is time to make some other changes too?
P.S. Would love to know if others have similar experiences to share.
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2 comments:
You know, the issue is described not as you put it in the last paragraph (family pressure), but as you mentioned it above - exploiting a girl at one's convenience without telling her the truth. In my opinion, that is exactly what they call "being used". If the guy loved her, he wouldn't care about his parents wanting him to get married in Bangalore. Jez, he would forget about the whole Bangalore thing after all... So, imho, the problem is in entire fact that he wasn't straight with her. Heartless moron.
Heartless moron exactly! the whole family thing is just a ruse. people hide under their "love for their family" and their "value", but what values does it reflect if u just use a girl?
This reminds me of those short stories by Chitra Devakaruni Benarjee, where she says Indian men make really bad husbands because they r pampered at home and everything. I think that is why they want to go home and bring a wife back on an H4 visa(dependant). So she can stay home and do the dishes and vacuum the carpets.
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